The Gift of Fear

People don't just "snap" and become violent, says de Becker, whose clients include federal government agencies, celebrities, police departments, and shelters for battered women. "There is a process as observable, and often as predictable, as water coming to a boil." Learning to predict violence is the cornerstone to preventing it. De Becker is a master of the psychology of violence, and his advice may save your life. --Joan Price

The book begins with a "true crime" story about Kelly, a woman who was raped in her apartment by a man she met in her stairwell who offered to carry the groceries she had dropped up to her apartment. De Becker parses the incident and categorizes the methods the attacker employed to get her to do what he wanted and put herself under his control, and this section is very enlightening. But the main theme of this first chapter and the book is that men and women should follow their intuition -- intuition isn't some flighty, sixth sense; it's a call to action when your brain has become aware of many small signs that something isn't right, even if, at that moment, you cannot articulate exactly what is wrong.

This book is not a self-defense or how-to guide, but rather makes a case for intuition and believing in oneself when one senses danger or feels fear, and the best reading in it, I think, is the examples de Becker explicates from his many years in the security and risk-assessment business (he also lived through an exceedingly violent and abusive childhood). The chapters address being in the presence of danger, how intuition works and functions, the science of violence predictors, survival signals, violent crime from strangers, high-stakes predictions, understanding threats to kill, dealing with too-persistent people, violence in the workplace, domestic violence, dating abuses and violence, violent children, public figure attacks and pursuits and extreme cases.

I found several things particularly interesting and engaging about this book. First, de Becker states emphatically throughout the work that violence is predictable, and that no one ever "just snaps" or is just an inexplicably bad person. Second, his predictor of violence is a useful tool -- and I would think may be applicable in other assessment situations -- to make informed judgments on risk. Third, I got a great deal personally out of his comparisons of worry and anxiety with fear in which he suggest that the first two are destructive and distracting (and may prevent someone from spotting real danger signs), but that fear is what has saved many, many lives and could save your own. Fourth, his writing on people who are too persistent is very interesting, and he shows how people's attempts to deal with stalkers is often just going to keep the situation alive.

Finally, the chapter on domestic violence was absolutely fascinating, primarily because this is a man who deals in truth and reality, not romance and excuses. He states that when assessing relationships, women often make judgments based on potential rather than on the present situation, which causes them to ignore warning signs and predictive incidents. He also says that he is in the business of safety, not justice, and that because of that he isn't a supporter of restraining orders in all cases because in some, they aggravate the offender more and can actually be a precipitating incident toward murder or its attempt.

Toward the beginning of the book, de Becker writes about how men don't really understand the risk under which women constantly live, but that for women personal safety is a constant consideration. He writes, "Men are worried that women will laugh at them. Women are worried that men will kill them." I learned a lot about listening to intuition, choosing not to worry and living safely.

I recommend this book, especially to women.